Things I've Never Done

*watched an entire episode of Friends
*eaten hog jowls, pigs' feet, souse, chicken gizzards, calves' brains, sweetbreads, chitlins, Rocky Mountain oysters, or fugu
*been to Africa, Asia, Australia, Antarctica, or South America
*read Moby Dick, David Copperfield, War and Peace, A La Recherche du Temps Perdu, or anything by John Grisham
*kissed a sea lion
*ridden a hang-glider, dirigible, or hot air balloon
*set foot in the Mississippi River
*visited Maine, Michigan, Louisiana, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Kansas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Texas, either Dakota, Nebraska, Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, New Mexico, Idaho, Utah, Nevada, or Alaska.
*played paintball
*landed a billfish
*given someone a black eye or a busted lip
*seen a movie starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, or Pauly Shore
*tried to play the bagpipes
*kissed the Blarney Stone
*undergone general anesthesia
*laughed at a Sally Forth comic strip
*imbibed a gibson, a grasshopper, a sloe gin fizz, an absinthe, a gimlet, a stinger, a yellow bird, or a pina colada
*taken a drag off a cigarette or cigar
*no, seriously--I really haven't
*seen The Who, XTC, or the Kinks in concert
*been sued or filed suit
*attended an NFL game
*played organized lacrosse, ice hockey, squash, racquetball, or tennis
*birdied a par-four or par-five hole
*had sex with Madonna, Britney Spears, JFK, or Wilt Chamberlain
*owned a lawn mower
*wanted to own a lawnmower
*called my wife "the old ball and chain"
*ridden a donkey, camel, mule, or llama
*owned a cat, snake, lizard, tarantula, or guinea pig
*gambled on horses, blackjack, roulette, or slots
*lost a game of Diplomacy
*joined the Boy Scouts, the US military, the ACLU, the National Education Association, MENSA, or any fraternity
*knitted anything
*opened the carefully Christmas-wrapped plastic lobster we received as a gift from Steve Pardington in 1986; really, we're only guessing that it's a lobster from the overall shape...
*sought a divorce or a restraining order
*apologized properly to my junior-high girlfriends, Helen and Terry, for being a jerk
*regretted ordering Beef Chow Mein at Lee Ho Fook's in London
*played cards with a man named Doc, eaten at a place called Mom's, or slept with anyone crazier than myself
*been to me.
8:55 AM

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Weight check: down another five pounds this week, for a total of 16 lost so far. I also put in 15 miles of biking this afternoon, and for the first time this summer didn't have to walk the bike up a hill. Granted, it helped that we took a route that had long, gentle slopes, rather than short, steep ones. It was a beautiful day, if a tad warm, and I was able to see and hear quite a few red-winged blackbirds and dozens of indigo buntings. During the summer, the latter can be spotted pretty easily; the males often sit at the top of trees and taller shrubs, and as long as you know that their plumage appears blackish or very dark blue if the light's not perfect, you can often get a good look. It's easier to hear them, as long as you know what to listen for: a long and varied series of twitters, but almost always paired. You don't have to know the call so much as you have to listen for the pairing: twee-twee-twiddleum-twiddleum-sheee-sheee-chippy-chippy-twee-twee. I also got to hear my first cicada of the summer, buzzing loudly--astonishingly loudly--in the shady forest at the side of the road.

The comforting sounds of birds and insects put me in mind of a recent experience, too. A few weeks ago, I had the chance to appear on "The State of Things," a radio show hosted by Frank Stacio for WUNC Chapel Hill (91.5 on your FM dial), and got to see one of my old friends, Keith Weston, who's now one of the show's producers. I met Keith back in 1981, when we were both announcers at Carolina's student-run station, WXYC, and later the two of us worked side-by-side at the Record Bar in downtown CH. Keith's musical tastes and mine overlap pretty broadly; we're both suckers for a catchy melody, we both think the Beatles set the standard for pop music, and words like "quirky," "psychedelic," and "jangly" get us all excited.

For all of these reasons, I shouldn't have been surprised at the music Keith picked out for the show: the closing theme was a very cool jazz piano trio version of the Beatles' "Blackbird," wholly appropriate for the topic of the show that day, but I didn't catch his other little touch until he sent me a CD copy of the show. It was just a little snippet of sound, but I knew it and knew it cold--and moreover, Keith knew I would know it cold: the sampled crickets and birds from "Summer's Cauldron," the first track on XTC's masterpiece, Skylarking.

This is an album that sits very high my personal pantheon. After it came out in 1986, I listened to it incessantly; in all probability, I listened to it more often than any other album I've owned (with the possible exception of America's Greatest Hits, which I left on more-or-less-infinite repeat when I was thirteen.) Its making nearly drove the band mad. Their producer, Todd Rundgren, was both a legendary musician and as big a fan of Beatley pop as they were, but his working style did not sit at all well with Andy Partridge, XTC's temperamental leader. For example, Rundgren, not the band, picked the songs they would record, and moreover he demanded that they be recorded in the same order they would appear on the album--not at all the way most producers work.

For all the conflict, however, the finished product is superb. Rich, melodic, harmonious, alternately hypnotic and energetic... it's a thing of beauty. It also has a little something for everyone.

First, it contains one of pop music's all-time great tunes, "Earn Enough for Us," a tune I featured prominently when I made my "This Would Be a Top Five Hit in Utopia" mix tape.

Second, it features one of XTC's best-known (and most controversial) hits, "Dear God," a tune which was actually left off the first pressing of the album and relegated to the B-side of the "Grass" single; when college radio DJs found it on the flip side, they played it onto the charts. (I've heard it's got a great video, too, but I've never seen it.) It's written in the form of a letter to God, stating that, based on the evidence of a world full of suffering, the writer cannot believe in Him. Needless to say, it got plenty of attention from the religious right, which was instrumental in helping it sell more copies.

Third, it has a blatant Kinks rip-off, "Season Cycle," which is Partridge's attempt to do "Autumn Almanac." Of course, if you like the Kinks, as I do, this is a good thing.

Fourth, it contains several of my favorite songs by bassist Colin Moulding, including "The Meeting Place" and "Sacrificial Bonfire," which show that Colin may not be as prolific as Andy, but he does just fine, thanks.

And last but not least, the album opens with a beautiful, warm, hazy pair of pastoral songs, "Summer's Cauldron" and "Grass." The first sound we hear is crickets, pulsing on a summer's morning. Then birds join in. Then a faint synthesizer wash appears in the background. At about the same moment you realize the birds and the crickets are calling in rhythm, a melodica plays the song's plaintive theme. "Drowning here in summer's cauldron, under mats of flower lava..." sings Andy's voice, and we're off into the heat haze. The song pulses along to its rich, Sergeant-Peppery conclusion, whereupon Rundgren blends it seamlessly into the innocent raga-jangle of "Grass." The crickets keep pulsing, and over them Moulding sings wistfully of the pleasures of lying on green hills with a loved one: "You are helpless now, over and over we flatten the clover." And as the final line fades away, the crickets and birds fade up again, bringing the whole cycle to a close--a beautiful summer's day, tied up in six minutes, twenty seconds.

This was that kind of day. Thanks, Keith.
7:18 PM

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Feelin' listy:

Top Five Amendments from the Bill of Rights
1) Amendment I--the single best reason to be an American. Believe what you want, say what you want, redress what you want.
2) Amendment IV--granted, it's not always crystal-clear, but the right to privacy valued so highly by most of us is lurking somewhere under these waters.
3) Amendment IX--sheer genius, this. The founders had wit enough to realize they couldn't think of everything, so they hedged their bets by allowing for Constitutional rights they hadn't mentioned--brilliant.
4) Amendment V--unwieldy and sprawling in its writing, but crucial in its impact. Your life, liberty & property, protected by the Big Five.
5) Amendment III--I love this one because it's the only Amendment about which there is no controversy. Every American believes it--no, soldiers should not be quartered on my property without my permission, thankyouverymuch.

Top Five Cover Versions Done By Bands I Was In
1) "Nite Klub" by the Specials, covered by Rohrwaggon, 1987. Sorry, this festival of death-metal-meets-flaming-ska was better than the original. John Plymale's guitar and Jack Campbell's bass alone could have brought down a small plane.
2) "Respectable Street" by XTC, covered by Terminal Mouse, 1984. First song on which I ever put down the instruments and just sang. Liberating in the extreme.
3) "Heaven" by Talking Heads, covered by Elmo & PC, 1989. Guitar, keyboard, harmony--all you need.
4) "Back in Flesh" by Wall of Voodoo, covered by Great Wall of Doo Doo, 1985. Bryon "Torrid Elmo" Settle singing lead in a newspaper suit, Mike "Waffle O'Cheeseman" Beard pounding an electric football field with a kickdrum pedal, John "Zippy" Plymale and Dan "Zingo" Munger searching for new, unreachable volume, and yrs. truly filling the air with squirrelly alarm-clock noises and obscene call-and-response vocals. And people say cover bands are boring.
5) "Piece of My Heart" by Big Brother and the Holding Company, covered by Terminal Mouse, 1984. Often covered, but never done justice--except when Taz Halloween channelled Janis onstage. I still get goosebumps.

Top Five Unexpected Life Birds
1) Hoopoe, Civita di Bagnoregio, Italy, 2003. (In a tree atop a hundred-foot cliff; aren't they ground-feeders?)
2) Scissor-Tailed Flycatcher, Madison County, VA, 2000. (A nesting pair in a field in near the Rapidan River, over a thousand miles from their usual range--I just about put the car in the ditch when I saw one on a roadside fence.)
3) Yellow-throated Warbler, Fayetteville Botanical Garden, 1995. (Sitting right on a low pine branch--I didn't even need binoculars.)
4) Ruffed Grouse, Shenandoah National Park, 1998. (A whole flock flew up out of the brush while we were hiking--scared the bejeezus out of me.)
5) Red Kite over Blenheim Palace, England, 1999. (The second one I'd seen in two weeks--I thought they were rare.)

Top Five Coen Brothers Movies
1) Raising Arizona
2) O, Brother, Where Art Thou?
3) The Big Lebowski
4) Miller's Crossing
5) Fargo

Top Five Lines from The Simpsons
1) Lisa: "I AM the Lizard Queen!"
2) Homer: "Bart! You want to see my new chain saw and hockey mask?!"
3) Flanders: "STELLAAAAA! STELLAAAAA! Can't you hear me yell-a? You're puttin' me through Hell-a..."
4) Groundskeeper Willie: "Och, I'm bad at this."
5) Homer: "Baby on board, something something... Burt Ward. Hey, this thing writes itself!"

Top Five Numbers Worn By PC In Competitive Sports
1) 10, Grey Culbreth Jr. High Soccer, 9th grade (Not only Pele's number but that of Padraic Baxter, our starting sweeper back and defensive anchor from the year before; I inherited it with pride.)
2) 34, Grey Culbreth Jr. High Basketball, 8th grade (My best year on the court, despite all the broken bones, and my number belonged to UNC's all-time top overachiever, Bobby Jones, to boot--and later to Akeem Olajuwon and Charles Barkley.)
3) 23, Grey Culbreth Jr. High Basketball, 9th grade (An unwanted leftover number at the time--I wore it before my contemporary, Michael Jordan, made it cool.)
4) 8, Grey Culbreth Jr. High Soccer, 8th grade (Nice and symmetrical.)
5) 14, Chapel Hill Carrboro Recreation Department, Jets, 1st grade (Orange and black jerseys, which looked cool--and UNC's best wideout that year, Ricky Lanier, wore it as well.)

9:38 AM

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