August 2006 Archives

Whew! A busy few days here... a last-minute rush to get the kids ready for the start of school... a covert dash to NC for my mom's surprise birthday party... a bout of strep throat for Thing One... and finally, last night, the end of weeks of preparation: the 2006 Fantasy League of Gentlemen/Gentlewomen draft.

Draft night is probably the most enjoyable night of the fantasy football season, mainly because it's the only time we're all online at the same time, interacting and creating havoc. At times we've had problems--owners whose computers and/or connections went haywire, and one infamous case when an owner slept through the entire draft--but last night we got through 15 rounds in 2:07, a new record. (Admittedly, we were able to drop the last round because we'd each kept a player from last year on our roster.)

This year we had a new owner: my next-door neighbor, Greg (alias "Moishe Rosenbaum," former pro lineman and current ex-jock sportscaster). Despite facing a wall of smart-ass strangers, some of whom have been gaming with each other since the late 70s (though FLOGG itself is only in its 6th season), Greg was able to hold his own, stocking his team, F.C. Moose Jaw, with such luminaries as Peyton Manning and Antonio Gates.

It looks as though the teams to beat will be the Donkeys (who added Rudi Johnson, Torry Holt, Reggie Wayne and Randy Moss to their roster to match keeper Larry Johnson), the Banana Slugs (with Steven Jackson and Ronnie Brown in the backfield, Chad Johnson and Anquan Boldin at WR, and Eli Manning under center), and the Frumious Bandersnatchi (with #1 pick Shaun Alexander, Carson Palmer, and Marvin Harrison.) Nonetheless, I am for once very happy with my draft.

The disastrous draft of 2004 taught me the dangers of gambling in the early rounds. (Michael Vick, I'm looking at you.) Last year's follow-the-plan strategy worked extremely well--hey, I made the championship game--so I decided once again to stick with my predetermined order, come hell or high water. As a result, I was able to grab the following squad to go with my keeper, Fast Willie Parker:

QB: Drew Bledsoe, Steve McNair, Tony Romo
They're old, yes, but they've got skills, and tools, and big, strong, offensive linemen. Bledsoe looked great on MNF last week, and if he can stay upright, he'll find a way to score with Terrell Owens, Terry Glenn, and Jason Witten catching the ball--and if he doesn't, Romo, his backup in Dallas, will. McNair's a bit more of a gamble, but I love his options: old Titans buddy Derrick Mason, stud TE Todd Heap, and young star-in-the-making Mark Clayton.

RB: Parker, Edgerrin James, Corey Dillon, Warrick Dunn, Jerious Norwood, Duce Staley
This is probably the best RB lineup I've ever owned: four #1 backs plus two of their "handcuff" players. Edge is now a Cardinal, which is how I was able to get him at the #9 spot, but Arizona has a lot of weapons, so he might actually do well this year. Parker is due more action than ever with Jerome Bettis retiring (and I've got Staley in case of injury), while Dunn no longer has to worry about T.J. Duckett swiping his goal-line carries (and I've got rookie Norwood on call if the extra load wears on him.) And Dillon, by all accounts, is running with a big chip on his shoulder this year--usually good for extra fantasy points. Best of all, I'm stocked enough so that I'll be a logical candidate for trades if someone needs to pick up a starting RB--and someone ALWAYS needs to pick up a starting RB.

WR: Steve Smith, Chris Chambers, David Givens, Mark Clayton
Smith is a beast, even with a sore hammy. Chambers showed how great he could be toward the end of last year--and with Daunte Culpepper in Miami to throw him the ball, he could be even greater this year. Givens is a solid option in Tennessee, and Clayton (see above) could blossom with McNair under center. It's not my deepest position, but I love my starters.

TE: Chris Cooley
Last year, the Skins' only decent offense other than Santana Moss. This year? More of the same, quite likely.

PK: Jeff Wilkins
Strong leg, strong offense, domed stadium, NFC West competition.

DT: Dolphins
This may have been a reach, but they'll get two games against the Jets and two against the Bills, and they've still got Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas, plus a defensive-minded coach in Nick Saban. I'm a believer.

In short, the Fighting Coelacanths are optimistic about this year's prospects. We'll keep you updated.

7:12 PM

I'm not trying desperately to do what all the Cool Bloggers are doing these days, nor am I trying to make this journal over into some kind of Memes R Us^TM outlet, but on a recent visit to Kevin Drum's Political Animal blog, I was inspired to investigate a new meme. (And with any luck, this one will make more sense to those of you who aren't intimately familiar with Robyn Hitchcock's discography.) The rules:

[H]ead over to the Quote Randomizer and pick the first five quotes that "reflect who you are or what you believe."

Sounds like fun. But on the theory that you can judge a man more by his enemies than his friends, how about the first five quotes that you think are a crock of shit?

I'll do both!

First, the ones that express my beliefs:

1. Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can. --Elsa Maxwell, September 28, 1958

Self-deprecation is the skeleton key to almost any conversation.

2. Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself. --Lois McMaster Bujold, "A Civil Campaign", 1999

A good thing for birders to understand when they're tempted to fudge on their life lists.

3. Many would be cowards if they had courage enough. --Thomas Fuller (1608 - 1661)

See "Iraq, Administration policies toward, 2002-present"

4. Be not the first by whom the new are tried,
Nor yet the last to lay the old aside. --Alexander Pope (1688 - 1744), An Essay on Criticism, 1711

Which is why I still have a printed dictionary and don't yet own an iPod.

5. Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature. --Tom Robbins (1936 - )

Christopher Columbus, Walt Whitman, Albert Einstein--not a cautious bunch. Probably not even sober most of the time. But darned productive.

And now, the complete bullshit:

1. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. --Mae West (1892 - 1980), Klondike Annie (1936 film)

Who says all evils have to be tried? I'll take sloth over wrath any day of the week, and trust me, I've tried sloth many times.

2. Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim. --Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970)

A little cynical that day, Bert? I'd like to think one need not be either one; one could, for example, be a cop. Or a bystander. Or better yet, the judge.

3. The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs.' --Roy Blount Jr.

Roy clearly doesn't suffer from the same tendinitis I do; using a pen for a long time is absolute murder on mine, but I can type for hours without having to resort to drugs of any sort. Also, I like being able to change my mind without scratching things out.

4. It's choice - not chance - that determines your destiny. --Jean Nidetch

This is just a mess. First, if it's destiny, choice isn't involved--you're destined to do what you're destined to do, and you have no say in the matter. If there's no such thing as destiny, then choice does play a role in your life, but so does chance; no one chooses to inherit a million dollars, or to be hit by a bus, or to or to develop an ulcer, or to meet the love of his life while standing in line at the DMV. To imagine that we're not responsible for any element of our own lives is horrifying, but it's equally horrifying to imagine that we are responsible for EVERY element of them.

5. I'm never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don't do any thing. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails, but I don't even do that any more. --Dorothy Parker (1893 - 1967), Here Lies (1939), "The Little Hours"

Sorry, Dorothy, dear, but I'm still teaching "One Perfect Rose." You're famous; you're too good not to be.

4:46 PM

A meme from the missus:

Here are the rules: Answer all the questions with the song titles of one band/group/artist. Multiple albums are fine (recommended, in fact). State the band/group/artist you're using in the subject line. Perty simple.

Use songs whose titles answer the question, not songs whose lyrics do. Not all of us know these songs, so it's not as fun.

Covers are NOT legit unless it is on a normal (non-live) CD.

For a true 10 questions challenge, do this without the aid of the internet/CDs/outside sources.

Got it? I'll be using Robyn Hitchcock (and the Egyptians, as needed.) And I did look at the album list for one item--hey, I own 23 RH discs (not counting the Soft Boys albums), so remembering all the titles is HARD.

1. Are you male or female?: The Man with the Lightbulb Head

2. Describe yourself: The Man Who Invented Himself

3. How do some people feel about you?: Birdshead

4. How do you feel about yourself?: No, I Don't Remember Guildford

5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest: Madonna of the Wasps

6. Where would you rather be?: Winchester

7. Describe what you want to be: Serpent at the Gates of Wisdom

8. Describe how you live: Uncorrected Personality Traits

9. Describe how you love: Vibrating

10. Share a few words of wisdom: This Could Be the Day

12:07 AM

...and while we're on the subject, consider the Penis Enlarge Patch.

Today's spam subject line:

"Penis Enlarge Patch will make your dick big enough to play football on it."

Ow. Cleats.

5:08 PM

Consider the penis.

I'm sure there are those who believe that considering the penis is the only thing males ever do, but there are times when I find myself thinking of other things. Things like, say, breasts. Or eyes. Even toes, particularly after I've barked mind against a piece of furniture while stumbling around a dark room. Heck, I've gone long minutes thinking of things that aren't body parts: birds, ice cream, lyrics, constellations, money, punctuation marks, pizza toppings, Raquel Welch, you name it.

But the penis is certainly an important part of any man's thinking, and partly as a result, it's part of many women's thinking as well. Which makes it strange to think that the word "penis" was actually forbidden on television for decades. (For that matter, the word "pregnant" wasn't allowed in the Fifties; Lucy Ricardo was only "expecting" Little Ricky.) When the FCC finally relaxed the rules in 1988, Saturday Night Live celebrated with a sketch set in a nudist colony where the members said the word "penis" no fewer than 42 times. Since then, it's made plenty of appearances--the word, I mean, not the organ--perhaps most prominently on Scrubs, where the show's medical professionals are presumably expected to call things by their anatomical names. That doesn't stop buffoonish surgeon Todd Quinlan from noting that designer Vera Wang's name is "a really funny word for penis," of course.

But my most recent musing on the topic of the penis was begun when I happened upon Andrew Sullivan's blog entry titled HIV and MGM. The MGM in question was not, as I had surmised, the one with the roaring lion at the start of The Wizard of Oz, but Sullivan's abbreviation for "male genital mutilation," otherwise known as circumcision, a practice to which Sullivan apparently objects. He was, however, preparing to change his mind given the findings reported in a recent article in The Independent: that male circumcision lowers the risk of HIV infection by 60%.

The issue of circumcision is one I've confronted personally. Most American males born in 1963 were circumcised shortly after birth, and when you factor in a mother who was raised Jewish, you'll be unsurprised to learn that I was among the majority in this instance. Since my memory does not include the days when I had a foreskin, I've never missed mine, but there is apparently a population of men who were circumcised as infants and feel a sense of loss. I can't say they're wrong to feel that way, but I don't share their opinion.

A number of my friends were not circumcised, including the majority of my British chums, which isn't surprising since infant circumcision is often a cultural thing, particularly among Jews, Muslims, and Americans. Still, many pro-circumcision arguments are medical in nature. The new study on HIV transmission might persuade some parents, I suppose, but most opt for circumcision based on the aforementioned cultural issues or on more immediate hygiene issues. Uncircumcised males have higher rates of penile infections and inflammations, and no parent wants that. Urinary tract infections are also more common among the uncircumcised, and retracting the child's foreskin in order to wash under it can cause injuries and inflammation. In the long run, circumcised males are also less likely to contract human papilloma virus, and some studies suggest that they're also less likely to develop penile cancer. Toss in the HIV study and a lot of advantages, both long-term and short-term, seem to accrue to the pro-circumcision position.

The arguments against infant circumcision are primarily ethical, with the biggest being a basic question: who should decide? An infant cannot consent to surgery, and in the absence of compelling and immediate medical reasons for it, is it right for his parents to consent for him? And it is not a procedure without risks. One of the most famous medical cases in history got its start when a doctor stupidly attempted to use an electronic device to circumcise one identical twin and accidentally burned the boy's penis off. At the suggestion of Dr. John Money, that boy was raised as a girl, with results that were proclaimed as successful, but which were actually far from it; you can read all about it in John Colapinto's compelling As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised As a Girl.

Obviously the issue is very different for an adult, who might find that 60% reduction in HIV rates a compelling reason to go under the knife, or who might have some other reason for consenting to the process. I did have one friend who had an adult circumcision performed for medical reasons; he reported that the pleasure of masturbation was lessened by the new configuration, but that the pleasure of intercourse was increased. Take that for what it's worth.

Naturally, if you know my biography well enough to know that I have two sons, you're probably wondering how my thoughts on infant circumcision were realized. But given that the sons in question are old enough to have privacy issues, I'll remain silent; they can share that information with anyone they like, but they'll have to whip it out (so to speak) on their own.

It may seem as though I dwell on this subject all the time, but in fact, I've rarely had to consider the foreskin directly, though I did get an odd feeling of unfamiliarity during one pub visit in Manchester back in '84. I don't recall how the topic came up, but one night my friend Rob set down his pint of bitter and told us how one of his brothers used to win bar bets: he would wager on the number of halfpenny pieces he could insert under his foreskin. (I think the high score was somewhere in the forties.) There was much astonishment and hilarity at this tale, but there were two of us whose laughter was touched with bewilderment--myself and my friend Phil, the only practicing Jew at the table. When Rob (or possibly Simon) suggested that the group repair to the loo to make an attempt at a new record, Phil and I both disqualified ourselves, leading Rob, an incorrigible punster, to note that there were drawbacks to being gentile.

I think we made him buy the next round.

(By the way, if you go to wikipedia.org's entry on circumcision to read up on it, please try not to smirk about the fact that the section on "The procedures of circumcision" has a subheading announcing "This section is a stub.")

9:30 AM

It's August, which means you now have only FIVE months to pre-order Literary Cash : Writings Inspired by the Legendary Johnny Cash before its publication in January 2007, and it's got PC's short story "The Snow Chaser" (based on Cash's "Field of Diamonds") plus other Cash-inspired writings.

LBJs:

*Having finished Neal Stephenson's Baroque Cycle, I might reasonably be expected to pick up something radically unlike it--a brief, pithy, non-fiction work, say, that deals with modern issues unrelated to European sociopolitics or the wielding of swords. Something like The Elements of Style, maybe. Instead, I've picked up a lengthy work of fiction full of swords and noblemen and intrigue: The Three Musketeers. Despite my enormous fondness for Richard Lester's 1974 film version, I've never actually read the novel until now, and I must say it's a corker--not just filled with plot, but told with a droll sense of humor that at its best resembles Twain or Austen. Granted, the characterization is sometimes a bit heavy on the tell-don't-show method, as when D'Artagnan's admiration for Athos is painted on with all the subtlety of a painting crew putting up a billboard sign, but I'm still having a great visit to 1625 France, even after only having just gotten back from 1714 England.

*Speaking of that 1974 film version, I should note that it was a major force in shaping my life. First, it was largely responsible for my lifelong crush on Raquel Welch. Whoa, baby! Not that I objected to the presence of Faye Dunaway as Milady, but Raquel's Constance simply blows her out of the water. Second, Lester's blend of action, humor, and occasional bawdiness is one that's still to my taste, as seen in my fondness for everything from The Princess Bride to Jackie Chan to Buffy the Vampire Slayer to Transmetropolitan. Third, what a cast! Welch and Dunaway are perfect in their roles, but Michael York is an equally superb D'Artagan, combining innocence with boldness (and occasional stupidity) in a winning way--it's his best performance by far. Oliver Reed is miscast as Athos and STILL makes the role his own--he's the least likely French nobleman this side of John Malkovich's Valmont in Dangerous Liaisons, but like Malkovich, he makes it impossible for me to see the character as anyone else. It's even more impressive than his Bill Sykes in Oliver!, for which he was cast perfectly. Frank Findlay and Richard Chamberlain are excellent in support as Porthos and Aramis, and Roy Kinnear's long-suffering Planchet is a delight. Rollicking good fun. Fourth, if you have any love for swordfighting, this is the movie for you--it's like Inigo Montoya vs. the Dread Pirate Roberts for two hours: floppy hats, folded-over boots, lunges, leaps, and the creative use of meats as missile weapons. Joe Bob says check it out.

*I accompanied my dad to Lowe's (the hardware store, not the grocery store) a few days back. We were picking up birdseed, but we looked over the related feeders and literature while we were in the aisle, and I noted one of the great retail rip-offs I've seen in recent months: just below the hummingbird feeders were several copies of a field guide to American hummingbirds, on sale for only $20. Uh, folks, you're in North Carolina--the Ruby-throated Hummingbird is the ONLY hummingbird native to your area. And you don't need a field guide to tell you that. This is like charging twenty bucks for a guide to the National Football League Teams of North Carolina--and even that would be more useful, since other teams at least come to Charlotte eight times a year to play against the Panthers.

*Yes, I'm already caught up in the preparations for this fantasy football season. The good news is that this year we're welcoming my next-door neighbor, Greg J., to the Fantasy League of Gentlemen/Gentlewomen, so I can discuss it with him in all its glory. His team is "FC Moose Jaw," which makes it the league's first Canadian team; we'll see if he can get used to the idea of four downs and a shallower end zone.

The bad news is that, thanks to my late-season surge last year, I'm picking ninth in the FLOGG draft, which is annoying. The guy who picks tenth in the first round (i.e. the champion from last year) at least gets the benefit of picking first in the second round, which means he effectively picks up two players at a time. The ninth-place picker gets the second pick of the second round, which isn't bad, but after every one of my choices, I have to hold my breath while Greg H.(a/k/a the Ghost of Grantland Rice) gets not one but TWO chances to swipe players I want. The ninth-place draft slot is also awkward because it's down in the Unknown Zone for the first round. Running backs are almost always the most coveted fantasy players, and the three best (for fantasy purposes) are generally regarded as Shaun Alexander, Larry Johnson, and LaDainian Tomlinson. After that, the picture is murkier. Tiki Barber and Clinton Portis are likely to go next, but one or the other might drop lower. Then comes a knot of good players with potential issues--lingering injuries, shared ball-carrying duties, weak offensive lines, questionable coaching, etc.--that might make them unattractive picks: Lamont Jordan, Edgerrin James, Cadillac Williams, Rudi Johnson, Steven Jackson, Ronnie Brown, etc. And making things even MORE complicated is the fact that each team can keep one late-round draft pick from last year, and both Larry Johnson and Ronnie Brown are among the keepers. I'm sitting on Willie Parker (round ten last year, thanks), but I'll still need a stud RB to pair with him, and I'm already fretting over who'll be available.

*Finally, for those of you awaiting the release of Snakes on a Plane--a film whose concept is so perfect that actually SEEING it may lower it in my estimation--I pass along the following link to emergency information.

Place your tray tables in their upright, locked positions, please.

5:50 PM