On Bachelorhood

As of today, Kelly has been working in Richmond for three months. I got to see her on Thursday night, when I drove down to see Dixon's final performance at VCU: "Uncommonwealth," a sprawling and hilarious revue featuring fifteen senior theater majors showing off their talents for prospective agents and employers. After I returned on Friday morning, I felt a little lull in my mood, but I drove it out with a hike and a little birding (FOY American Redstart, Red-eyed Vireo, and Blue-gray Gnatcatcher, as well as only my second viewing of a Worm-eating Warbler.) And this morning, while looking back over past journal entries, I came across this:

Whenever Kelly's out of town, as she was from Friday until last night, I get rather listless. Instead of writing, or going to the gym, or even getting up and going birding, I sit around reading (often something I've read before), or if I'm feeling especially productive I might grade some papers. I never reach the end of our time apart feeling as though I've gotten much done.

I suppose part of that feeling is that her absence means I have to put aside larger concerns and take care of some chores that often fall to her--dishes, dog, laundry, etc.--but a lot of it, I'm quite sure, is simply being thrown off balance by her absence. Even if we're not doing anything together, I rely on the unconscious knowledge that she's at home, or at work, or maybe downstairs, and she come do something with me if I needed her to. She's not really ; she's just out of sight for the moment.

When she's out of town, though, I am constantly reminded of her absence; it's as though I can't see out of one eye, or have one ear blocked up. There may be nothing there for me to see or hear, but my inability to detect that nothing is in itself a huge distraction. I can't concentrate on what's there because of what isn't.

Since we've now been married a little over 20 years, I probably shouldn't be surprised at my reaction, but it's worth some thought.

Love, like nature, abhors a vacuum.

If I have learned nothing else over these last three months, I have learned how right I was in 2007.

Miss you, hon.

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This page contains a single entry by Peter Cashwell published on May 2, 2015 9:57 AM.

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